Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Why am i here?

I'm approaching my three month RockyVine anniversary, and attempting to take stock of what God is doing in my life here, and why He called me to serve here. What exactly is the purpose of this year? There are so many different things happening in my life. I live here. My life has been uprooted and transported to this place, where i work, and pray and attempt to keep dealing with all of the things I've already been dealing with since graduating. My life has completely changed. I am apparently an adult in the real world, trying to deal with my anxiety issues, missing my boyfriend and simultaneously blessing and cursing the dating fast, wondering where God is going to haul us off to next year. Everything seems like a roller coaster, and i crave comfort and stability, but I feel like my little boat is getting rocked more often than not. This year is a transition. But while I know many things to be true about my future, so much of it is still up in the air. And I guess that's life. But it honestly doesn't make it any less nerve wracking, I have to admit. I am daily shocked by my ability to be at peace, and fearful and nervous at the same time. My need for God's healing has never been more obvious to me than it has been these past few months, and I can't help but feel that sometimes i am struggling against God instead of working with Him. I know He's trying to give me peace and solace, but at times I'm too afraid to accept it. And yet....i know that this is where i need to be. As difficult as it sometimes is to be apart from the people that I love, God is giving me new people to love. As hard as it is to feel like things are so unstable, God gives me little glimpses of the future, and highlights the incredible generosity of all of the people that love me, that make it possible for me to be here. This might not make sense, but i feel like i moved here to just keep living my life for the next year. I serve, and I work as hard as I can, but I am also so at home here, that much of the time it seems like I'm just existing here with this family. Looking back on my life up to this point, i can see the way God works in me. Often i don't notice the changes until they have already happened, and then they slap me in the face. God's doing something with me, and I'm okay with admitting that I don't know what that is.
So I may not know what God has planned for the rest of my year here. But what do I want this year to be? What are my goals? I think simply, i want to be at peace. I want to come back to that place where i knew without a shadow of a doubt that God has plans for my welfare and not for my woe, that He knows me fully and completely and that he created ME- not the version of me that i think i should be. I want to live in this truth without and hesitation or fear.

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