Friday, October 17, 2008

its been a long time since I've felt like this. I know its pathetic, and i know i should have seen it coming at some point, and i hate it, and i hate not being able to really explain it. But here it is...i have to put it out there. I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror, and immediately wanted to go back to bed. It's one of those days I'm just not satisfied with who I am. I was on my way somewhere, and stayed behind so that i could just get the tears out before i embarrassed myself by getting emotional at the wrong time. It's days like these i just don't trust myself. If it was a few years ago, this would be one of those days i would do something stupid. More than anything i want to be that confident woman who knows that her worth comes from God alone, who knows that no matter what she looks like, or what she can do, or what she accomplishes, she is still someone worthy of being handled with care and loved. In a really deep place in my heart i believe that to be completely true, and my dream for my life is to help other people to see that in themselves, and to learn how to believe it every day. I am blessed. I am alive, and healthy, and in Italy, and i know that this is just a step to learning about who God wants me to be. But i also know that i cant really deny the place in my heart that really hurts, and its because of me. It's because right now I'm not brave enough to accept who i am, and like it. And i do think that that takes courage. I just needed a quiet moment with myself, to remind myself who exactly i am. And a few tears never hurt anybody.

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