Sunday, April 13, 2008

You know

My heart just...hurts.
Isn't that an interesting feeling? I was thinking about this...It's not as if heartache is something physical. It's true sometimes something is painful enough to make you catch your breathe, or a feeling is strong enough to bring you to tears but...It's something so uniquely human to be in tune with our hearts. My heart is just missing so many things right now.
I miss home. I miss my grandma. I miss my sisters. I miss not feeling so...lonely.
Without even knowing it, God has been teaching me about dying.
This is His question: If i take away your home, If i separate you from family and friends, if my plan leads you somewhere you dont want to go, If my plan is that you feel alone so that you can come closer to me...will you love me? Will you still praise me?
Because the truth is...I'm terrified of what God might ask of me. But what choice do I have but to follow, and trust? He knows my heart better than even i do.
God. If you want me to be alone, if you want me to be content with singleness, if you want me to turn my heart away from people and relationships and back to you, I will.
If you need to take away my family, if you need for more of them to come to you, I trust you.
God...If your plan is bigger than mine, If you're going to take me somewhere where I will be forced to rely on you alone, I'll go.
Dying and rising isn't just something that happens in the end. It's happening every moment. So, send me...push me...stretch me to the limit. I'll rely on you.

You know my heart and all my ways
You know my soul, every thought in my mind, all the dreams I've left behind
You know all of me
You know everything, you know the song i sing
all the times I've been afraid, and every prayer that i have prayed
You know all of me
You know

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