Sunday, April 27, 2014

My crisis of mommy identity

I think it's safe to say being a mom changes you in a pretty big way. But I am straight up in a funk right now, and I think I have been for a while. Do you ever look in the mirror and think- how did I get here? Don't get me wrong please, I am so thrilled to be a mommy to, lets face it, the two cutest beings on this earth (I'm biased). But two babies, almost three years of marriage, three moves, and a very drastic, recent mom-chop of a haircut have me wondering...who the heck am I!?! I don't even LOOK like me anymore!
I sat down with Pat the other day and had something of a mini breakdown. I'm sure it's part exhaustion, but I'm feeling like every day looks pretty much the same, and I've started wondering whatever happened to my hobbies and interests. It's strange to think about it now, but I used to be a songwriter! I LOVED it. I used to play my guitar almost every day. I was always working on learning a new piece of music, or working on new lyrics, or just playing for fun. Sadly, I think that I can count the number of times I've played in the last three years on one hand. Obviously, a big prego belly (times two) makes playing the guitar a bit difficult at a certain point, but it's strange to think that something that was such a huge part of my life for so long just isn't anymore.
Part of me is okay with that. I still love music, and I have a few new interests, like decorating our house and baking like a fiend. But I'm still struggling to find my niche right now. I think I really need something to pour energy into that's just for me. Because I am prideful, that is hard to admit. Why would I want anyone to think that I'm not perfectly fulfilled by wife-dom, and mommy-hood? Why would I want anyone to think that I need anything else?
Well...because that's reality. God created me with passions, and desires, and dreams, and even though it feels like it sometimes, those things don't just disappear when your life starts barrelling full speed ahead and the babies start coming. The problem now is...what do I want to do?
I've found since becoming a mom that I need to be more discerning when it comes to what I commit my time and energy to. This post by Jennifer Fulwiler has given me alot of valuable food for thought when it comes to the things I want to pursue. I still don't have an answer, and I have to admit that that is hard for me. What gives me energy instead of burning me out? What is going to lend itself in a positive way to the needs of my family?
Ever heard that quote: don't compare your chapter one to another persons' chapter 20? Ok, I'm certain that's not how it actually goes but you get the idea? I know I am still very much in the beginning stages of being a wife and mom, and my life doesn't have to be perfectly orchestrated in this present moment. There are the practical realities of life with two babies after all. I'm finding I need to be a little more gentle with myself than I usually am, or I start giving in to jealousy and resentment, when I look at other people's lives and see order, or goals being met, or dreams being realized, beyond the wonder that is raising two small children. It's okay that I don't have everything figured out I think. But I am going to do a lot of inward thinking (when I have the time) and try to figure out what the next step is.

In the meantime, I give you Jen's 21 tips for survival mode (Can you tell I'm a fan of her?) because people, that's just where we are at right now in the Caskey house.

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