Theres this song by Ray Lamontagne called "old before your time." It's such a beautiful song, and it really speaks to where my heart has been these past six months. I feel like my heart has been through so much (that's life isn't it, though) and i feel like it shows. But what does it take to have a young heart? Christ calls us to be like children, but sometimes our souls are so much older than we would like them to be, and we've experienced so much that we wish we hadn't.
When I was a younger man, lookin' for a pot a' gold,
ev'rywhere I turned the doors were closin'.
Took every ounce of faith I had, to keep on keepin' on',
n' still I felt like I was only losin'.
I refused then, like I do now, t' let anybody tie me down,
I lost a few good friends along the way.
I was raised up poor an' I wanted more,
n' maybe I'm a little too proud.
Lookin' back I see a kid who was just afraid.
Hungry and old before his time.
Through the years I've known my share of broken hearted fools,
'n those who couldn't choose a path worth takin'.
There's nothin' in the world so sad as talkin' to a man who
Never knew his life was his for making.
Ain't it a-bout time you realize? It's not worth keepin' score.
You win some, you lose some, you let it go.
What's the use of stacking on every failure another stone,
'til you find you've spent your whole life buildin' walls.
Lonely and old before your time.
It took so long to see, that truth was all around me.
Now the wren has gone to roost, the sky is turnin' gold.
Like the sky my soul is also turnin'.
Turning from the past, at last, and all I left behind.
Could it be that I am finally learnin'?
Learnin' I'm deservin' of love and the peaceful heart.
Won't tear myself apart, no more, for tryin'.
Tired of lyin' to myself, tryin' to buy what can't be bought.
It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin'.
It's cryin', growin' old before your time.
Cryin', growin' old before your time.
yikes. so...i am definitely a person who stacks her failures up around her heart like a wall. I am deserving of a youthful heart, and a peaceful soul. It's my choice though, if i want to keep the walls up, or if i want to accept it. Why wouldn't i choose that? I just finished the book redeeming love, and there is a part when Michael (the husband) is talking to his wife (a prostitute....the story is based on the book of Hosea). She keeps running back to her old life, and he says that she was held captive for so long, that now that she's free she's so afraid because its new to her, that she's running back to her cage. How often do we do that? We fear the unknown, even when the unknown is an immense and beautiful blessing. That's not how we were meant to live. We were never meant to hold onto the hurt, and the struggles that we've had. God never asked us to do that. He would rather we let them go, and accept his good gifts.