Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm just gonna go ahead and take this opportunity to be as honest as i possibly can about what is happening in my life, because for some reason I feel like that is going to help me right now. So here goes. Dealing with this anxiety has taken out of me almost every ounce of motivation, joy, and peace that I have. I go to bed afraid, and i wake up afraid every morning. It's only in hindsight after having a panic episode, or taking some deep breaths that I realize some of the things that God has been teaching me through this experience. The first and probably the most important is that my family loves me and would do anything for me. Ive always known that this is true, but it's crazy to see just how much people love you and just how much they would sacrifice for you when you need them the most. And i can safely say that I have never felt closer to my family than i do right now, and that is such a great blessing. Because of this, i can say that i am grateful to be going through this, and that's not something that is easy for me to say, because 9.99 moments out of 10 i am wishing that i could go hide in a hole somewhere and never come out. Something else that i am realizing incredibly slowly, and with as much effort as i can muster, is that there is a bigger reality beyond even what is going on in my own mind and heart. As real as my anxiety and fear seems to me, and as real as my emotions and my hurt feel to me each day, I am doing everything I can to remind myself that the only REAL thing in all of this is Jesus. I spend my days being afraid of things that will never happen, and even as i sit here it is taking all of my effort to remind myself of what is real. But Jesus conquers everything. Where i am weak, He is strong. The harder things get the more convinced i am of this. I have also realized what a prime opportunity this is for the devil to sneak in and attack me. This is all the more apparent when i find myself even more anxious during my time in prayer. I know that the devil would like nothing more than for me to abandon my relationship with Jesus in the midst of this situation, and that is why i know i need to devote myself even more to drawing closer and hiding myself in Christ's heart. More often than not the only prayer i can come up with is asking Jesus to please help me. But no matter how i might be feeling in the moment, i am sure that that is enough for Him. Jesus knows that we are weak. He didn't come to earth with the purpose of making our failings and weaknesses more apparent in light of his goodness and perfection, although that does happen as a result. He came to bring us to heaven with Him. Nothing in my mind, or body, no bad circumstance or turn of events, no sin or weakness of mine will keep Him from me, and from continuing to lead me on to the goal that he has placed before me.

1 comment:

Afro John said...

So, I read this and I could not help but tear up. I feel so terrible that you're going through this trial right now, but, just as I'm sure you already know, God has a bigger plan than this current moment. All I could think of as I was reading this was to share with you a little passage that has saved my soul from insanity time after time:

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed." -Psalm 34:19

I won't pretend that I understand or know all of what you're experiencing, because I don't, but I will tell you this as many times as you may need to hear it, if you ever, ever, ever need me for anything, don't hesitate to ask. I love you.