I know that God always blesses us in prayer, because prayer in and of itself is a gift from Him. He can never be outdone in generosity, so when we come before him and give him our time, and attention, his blessings are abundant. Every once in a while, stuck in here and there is a moment of pure joy. Today when i was sitting in adoration, i was just struck by Him. It was perhaps the first truly silent moment that my heart has experienced in quite a long time, and i literally felt as though He had flooded my heart with his Joy and peace. I have to say, that this came on the heels of quite a week, this past week. Spring break brought with it a lot of great things, and some not so great. My grandpa passed away this past Monday, and i must admit that this still hasn't quite settled in me yet. I found myself in the midst of a lot of stress, and there were some days that my heart just ached. In the midst of it all, I experienced a time of weakness like I haven't had in a very long while. This semester is the first semester, surprisingly, in my college career, where daily mass and frequent Eucharistic adoration have been a top priority for me. The joy that I have found, and the yearning for the Eucharist that God has cultivated in me have been abundant, and amazing. But for some reason, the minute spring break started, I seemed to crumble. I missed daily mass every single day last week, and on top of that didn't make time for my daily meditation or time in adoration either. I remember even thinking in my mind how unnatural it was for me to be missing mass, and my time in adoration, yet i still couldn't seem to muster the will or the energy to go. By the time the week was wrapping up, i felt this dull aching in my heart that i couldn't seem to describe. Then on Sunday night, as i was kneeling and reading the readings before mass began, God rocked me. I read, in the first reading from Isaiah that God is doing something new, making a way in the desert, and opening a way in the sea. The Psalm (Psalm 126, which happens to be my favorite Psalm) brought to mind again that Joy that i had found in Christ, and a reminder that when we go forth weeping, carrying seed to sow, we come back rejoicing, carrying out sheaves with us. What a beautiful image. The second reading from Philippians was an exhortation to leave everything behind for the Love of Jesus, and reminded me of something which i was incredibly aware of at that moment- i have nothing without Him. Nothing at all. Finally, the Gospel reading was the story of the adulterous woman who was about to be stoned. Jesus accepted her into his Love. He did not condemn her. It all seemed to speak something profound to my heart, and I found myself praising God that I had missed Him during that week that I had made myself absent from His presence. What a blessing that it didn't take longer for me to realize how much I really need and crave the Eucharist. I know that I can not fully understand my need for Him, but today as i sat in the peace and joy of his presence, my stress, and fear and anxiety seemed to melt away. We need Him. We need Him in a way that is beyond our understanding, and that aching, empty feeling that we experience so much, while painful, is a blessing in that it can turn us back to His Love, even if we don't realize that we've strayed.
"With the trust and simplicity of a small child, I give myself to you today, O Lord Jesus, my Master. I leave you complete freedom in directing my soul. Guide me along the paths you wish. I won't question them. I will follow you trustingly. Your merciful heart can do all things!"