Sunday, September 21, 2008

So...Ive never been an incredibly outgoing person, but i do love getting to know people. I like digging down, and finding out what makes someone who they are. I love listening to people tell me about their heart. One of the reasons that camp was so amazing this summer was that that was a regular occurrence. It wouldn't have been strange to be going about your business and then have someone ask you about the state of your heart, or ask you how your relationship with God was, completely out of the blue. Because when you live in a strong, Christ centered community, those questions aren't out of the ordinary...actually they are entirely necessary. I guess subconsciously, that is one of the things that i really miss about this summer as a whole and being a part of that kind of community.
The other day i got in touch with this woman that i worked with this summer, that i really looked up to and connected with, and she sent me a message on facebook that said 'How is your heart?' And honestly...when i read that i almost started crying. Its a simple question, but for some reason i have really been missing that in my life right now...Im in italy for three months, i get to have all of these insanely awesome experiences, and grow as a person, and learn incredible new things...but im really missing the women in my life. And i really miss the people who are comfortable enough to come up to me and look at me, and truly desire to know my heart, and i miss people just saying, lets sit down and pray about this.
Because when she asked about my heart, i really didnt know what to say. I told her that my heart was in an interesting place...what i really wanted to say was that my heart is hurting right now, and i dont know why. Everything on the surface right now is awesome...Im not homesick, im not worried about anything really significant....theres just something going on in my heart ...and what i want more than anything right now is to sit down and have an honest to goodness serious conversation with someone. I dont know...i know this is so girly and cliche and i hate that i am about to say it but...i just want to cry.
I just want to scream or something. Im not upset about anything, i just feel like my heart is going to explode.
I really dont know what the heck God is up to...and i know that i just need to spend some intense prayer time handing it back over to Him and trust Him that there is some kind of an answer to this situation. But i dont know...
I just wanted to put it out into the universe, that my heart is hurting. Take it or leave it....thats where im at.

Please dont think that i dont love my life right now...because i truly do. More than i can possibly explain.
I mean...i spent my weekend hiking through cinque terre, and swimming in the Mediterranean. I have had nothing but beautiful moments since i got here...but God...what is up??
I wish i was patient enough to just be ok with not knowing.
This is a rambling mess....

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