Monday, September 1, 2014

An apology letter to my two year old

Dear Tommy...
Whew. What a wild ride these last almost 9 months have been since Agnes was born. I will admit I can hardly remember what it was like when it was just you and I. It seems so long ago and you have grown up so much since then!
When she was born you were talking, and walking, and playing and growing and all of those things have multiplied and expanded and now you are telling stories, and pretending, and imagining and turning into a big kid right before my eyes. You seem so much older to me than just your two years, and I am getting more and more excited to watch you grow up. But these 9 months have been difficult, too. I have snapped at you more times than I can count or name. I have yelled, and gotten angry and been upset for reasons that you cannot possibly understand. I know I have hurt your feelings at times, and been distracted, or too overwhelmed to notice how you were feeling, or to ask you what you needed. It hurts me to think of those things now, even though I know you will not remember them. I am doing much better than I was in the beginning after your sister was born, and even though we have hard days every now and then, the good ones are starting to outweigh the bad. But I am so sorry for all those bad days. I know the older you get the more you will realize how imperfect a mom, a person, I am. Child, you know what buttons to push with me, and some days you are a mystery to me, but I know that I push your buttons too. We won't always get along, and as you grow older we may understand each other less and less. I've never raised a little boy after all, and I don't know yet how to teach you to be a man (you're dad will have a big role in that, and he can teach you so many things that I can't). But I do have to say one thing: In this house we know how to say we are sorry and start over. One of my only consolations when I think of how hard these past months have been is knowing that I always came to you and said I was sorry after getting upset. I hope that that is something that you learn from me as you grow up. It is a silvery lining to all of the not so great mommy moments that I've had since your sister was born. I am learning, love. I am learning, sometimes painstakingly slowly, but I promise to always try to be better, and to keep saying I'm sorry when I mess up. There is, however, one thing that I will not apologize for, and that is giving you this little girl, Agnes. You may not realize it now, as she drools all over your toys and tries to bite your toes and wakes you up with her cries, but she is one of the best things that has ever happened to you, to us as a family. I can't wait to see what kind of shenanigans you two get into as you grow, to see your friendship blossom, to watch you play and share secrets and sometimes share hurts too. We love you little boy, and Agnes does too. Thank you for hanging in there with me as we figure out this whole, wonderful, crazy family thing together. You are one special little boy, and you bless me every single day.

Love, your Mama

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