Monday, January 26, 2009

So...tonight was hard.
I sat down with johnny, and told him pretty much everything I've been thinking the past few weeks. Actually, that's not true. I sort of forgot everything that I wanted to say, and got really frustrated that everything that i was saying was coming out wrong. If you want to tell someone that you are worried about them, its helpful to have a reason why. And i did/do. But i was having such a hard time articulating what i was trying to say. It boiled down eventually to me just telling him i love him, want him to be happy, and hope that he can start letting people be there for him and love him, and that I'm not gonna stop praying for him and dogging him.
It sounds silly I guess, but a lot of the time i fail to really realize how important it is to care more about someone else's well being and their heart than you do about the relationship you have with that person. But that's what we have to do.
I talk to Claire about this all the time. There is always this temptation when i am separated from someone, or haven't talked to someone in a long time, or haven't gotten to spend time with someone to feel like that relationship is falling to pieces, or that that person has stopped caring, or that I've stopped caring. The thing is, if we are praying for each other, and if we keep the people we love in our hearts, we are connected by something so much stronger. We HAVE to love the person more than we love the relationship. That is the only way that we can bring ourselves to confront a problem, or to truly have that other person's best interest at heart. And it sucks sometimes. I know from being on both ends that having someone tell you about a problem that they are having with you, or telling someone that you see a problem developing in their lives sucks hardcore. Tonight was not a conversation that i wanted to have at all...but no matter how disconnected our friendship might be right now, no matter how little i know about what he truly needs in his life, no matter how little he knows about what i really need in mine, i know that we can be at a place where we challenge each other, and i believe that he would call me out too if he felt like he needed to, and i hope he does.
So i need to get over myself, and just accept whatever comes next, whether or not things are going to be weird or awkward for a while, whether things change or not. I need to pray, hard, and for right now that is all I can do.
The truth of the matter is, I don't have my shit together.
I don't. But I'm trying.
And so is he. I know he is.
The reality of this is, we need each other...we need to challenge each other. All of us. None of us have the answers, none of us know what's coming next. We need to help each other get there. We have to be uncomfortable sometimes...that's part of it. We have to speak to each other in love, and charity, and keep forgiveness at the very front of our hearts.
I went to confession yesterday for the first time since November.
I'm gonna be entirely honest, I have been flat out avoiding it. I have had some serious doubts these past few months about whether or not I can really be forgiven for the mistakes that I've made. I somehow got it into my head that if i wasn't ready to forgive myself i truly couldn't expect someone else to forgive me...I forgot that this is God we're talking about here. It just doesn't make sense to try to discount his mercy, and make it somehow seem less than what it is, but that's what i was doing.
And in the meantime, i completely lacked the humility to ask for accountability, and help from the people that i trusted. I shut them out, and just went on with my life like it was ok, when it really wasn't. Funny, since i was just talking to johnny tonight about letting people in...I told Fr. Bruce this in confession...i told him about my doubts, and how this confession has been a long time coming. For some reason i always have this irrational fear of hearing judgment in the priest's voice during my's horrible. But i am still always floored by the loving tone of voice that i inevitably hear coming from the other side of the screen. Fr. Bruce just chuckled a little bit, and know, you need to just believe that you and God can do this together.
I went out to dinner with Jon tonight and he was talking about finally being in a place of really desiring God...of really wanting to do His will in a way that he never wanted it before. We were essentially talking about growing up i think. I need to grow up, and start truly desiring...really wanting this. And when that seems far off, i can at least pray for the desire for the desire.

My goodness.

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