So i have been kind of bummed out for about the last....six months i guess, because i havent been able to write anything (music that is...although i havent written anything else either).
Ive been thinking about this alot since i talked to Adam the last time i was home. Singing is what i love to do. Some of the times that i have felt the most content, and the most myself have been when Im singing. Its a part of who i am, and i love looking back and seeing how much Ive grown, and how God has allowed singing and writing to be such a huge part of my relationship with Him.
It lifts me up so much, and separates me from anything that is weighing on my heart, or stressing me out, even for a little while. Its such a blessing.
Every time i go home Adam asks if ive been writing. I do try, but for the last long while, it just hasnt been there. And i know that that isnt a bad thing. That is how its been for me since i was 14 years old. But the more i think about it, the more i can see a pattern, and a correlation between what ive written, and what God is doing in my life. I know that practiced songwriters can sit down and at least make an attempt on any given day, but for me there has always been some kind of trigger.
God puts something in front of me, and it just smacks me in the face, and the only way that i can measure it in my mind is through putting it into a song.
When i look at my songs, its so apparent to me. One of them is taken pretty much verbatin from mark hart's mouth, when he said something that i really desperately needed to hear. One of them was a penance, sort of a thank you to God for being so merciful to me in reconciliation, but still an acknowledgment of how much i manage to fail him every day. The last song i wrote was during the time that i was deciding whether or not to come here, to Italy. I got so sick of worrying about things...and all of those times, and all of the other songs ive written too have come to me in the same way.
Sometimes i wonder if this whole songwriting thing is just meant to be between God and I. I dont know what His plan is for it...i really cant figure it out. it would be so easy for me to obsess over whether or not people really like them, or would listen to them at all. I dont want to sound negative...but i dont know if thats the direction this is supposed to go.
I feel stupid even writing this because for me, its never really seemed possible that i could go home someday and make a cd, and try to get my music out there for people to hear. But the more i talk to Adam, the more real it seems, and the scarier it gets. I feel like a fool even thinking about it. But...maybe that is what needs to happen. Even though my songs are personal to me, and its hard for me to comprehend them meaning something as strong to other people, if it could help people, or give them peace or hope or...anything...then that would be such a blessing.
It isnt really a matter of what i want or dont want. If i could have my way i would sing for my dinner for the rest of my life, because its what i love.
The thing is...God gives people gifts, and they are meant to be used. The first thing you have to do is acknowledge that you have a gift. That took me a long time, but eventually i learned that its something that God can do through me to bring other people closer to Him. Its up to us to help those gifts bear fruit for other people. I guess i just dont know how to do that quite yet. But i feel like God talked to me an awful lot about it this summer, especially through singing with Joe, and having the opportunity to lead worship.
But i guess its the same when it comes to the rest of my dreams. I have no idea what i want to do when i graduate college, but i have always had this dream to minister to other women. All of the hurt and crazy mistakes ive made in the past few years of my life have always pointed to that. But my mind always goes to...how could that ever happen??
If im going to be honest i just need trust. I need to take action in my life, to follow where i think God is leading me, but i also need to trust that i am actually going to get there, and if i love him, my life will, i hope, bear fruit, and serve others.
I dont know...im rambling....it was just on my mind.