For some completely unknown reason I have spent the last few hours reading about the Missionaries of Charity in India. I think it all started when i allowed my mind to wander a bit, and to imagine life after college. Don't get me wrong, I love college, and I have been so blessed in the people i have been able to meet and the experiences that i have mad these past two years. But I can't wait to graduate. I was about to write "I can't wait to graduate and really start my life..." but that is completely the wrong thought. I'm alive right now. But I feel like I'm coming to realize that there is a difference between being alive and really living. Anyway back to graduating. What am i going to do? Where am i going to go?
The answer is: I have no idea.
I go to an incredible Catholic university where I am studying something that i love and am fascinated by. But i don't have a plan.
My problem isn't that i don't have dreams and aspirations for my life. I think my problem is that I have too many. I can't narrow them down and make a decision on the way that i want to spend the rest of my life. I want to get married, i want to have kids, i want to be happy, sure...but. I want to really live. I want to do things that make me uncomfortable. I want to travel. I want to be spontaneous, and I want to do things that scare me.
I was drawn to a story that i read about a man who was vacationing in India when he decided to leave his group to visit the Missionaries of Charity Mother House. He ended up staying and volunteering, taking care of the poor and the sick. That was a pretty vague synopsis,but I can honestly say that i was completely riveted. Somewhere inside me, somewhere past all of my selfishness and pride i felt something stirring; this crazy desire to spend myself completely, and to give everything that I have; this desire to put myself in a situation that i can only survive by the grace of God alone. I want to be filled by God through becoming so empty that all i can do is serve other people.
I want to be content with having questions that will never get answered, as long as i can still love.
Mother Theresa herself once said, "Intense love does not measure, it just gives."
I'm not saying that I'm ready to pack my bags for Kolkata, but somewhere in my heart i feel like God is calling me to something different. I feel so restless sometimes.
I look back at my not so distant past, and I see all the risks that i was able to take through God's grace in my life. Somewhere along the line i feel like I've lost that a bit. I want to be risky.
As my death teacher in high school used to say, "love is a powerful creative force" and I would like to add that Love is dangerous.
It's not safe, it's not contained, there are no limits to what it can accomplish.
No matter where i end up, i just pray that I can learn through begging for God's grace in my life that anything crazy and scary and wonderful is possible when you are just willing to risk it all.
I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
~Henry David Thoreau