Doubt

I have to admit that at times i fail to actively seek out what God wants me to do with my life. I spend a lot of time thinking about vocation in the general sense, but not in the specific. Granted God chooses to reveal certain things at certain times, usually when He feels that we are most ready to be equipped by Him to do what He is calling us to do. However i feel as though i am coming to the point in my life where not only are my peers and teachers encouraging me to figure it all out (I'm sure my adviser is less than thrilled when i tell him that i simply want to do everything) but i feel as though i should have some kind of idea of where i am headed.
In a way its a blessing that i haven't made a "decision" because in that sense i am more open to whatever God chooses to place in front of me, but i still have a yearning to find that one thing.
I know without a doubt that God is calling me to minister to others in some way. That has been evident for a long time...but when i think about it, that could mean so many things.
It could mean something as obvious as youth ministry or music ministry, but it could also mean ministering to my children, and being the best mom that i can be.
Where am i headed? Where do i fit?
I think that deep down everyone hopes to one day find out that there is a place in the world that can be filled by only them. Everyone wants to be wanted, and needed, and to know that they are important. I don't think that this is a bad thing to want.
But i do think that it is a great call to boldness, and a call to lead lives devoid of fear.
When all of our wants and wishes are stripped away, God's calling still remains in our hearts, and there is no greater way that we can serve and be fulfilled but to follow that call.
Whether or not i have realized yet what it is, God's call has been stamped onto my heart since the beginning.

2 Corinthians 3 begins with this:

"Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, as some do, letters of recommendation to you or from you?
You are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by all, shown to be a letter of Christ administered by us, written not in ink but by the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets that are hearts of flesh.
Such confidence we have through Christ toward God.
Not that of ourselves we are qualified to take credit for anything as coming from us; rather, our qualification comes from God, who has indeed qualified us as ministers of a new covenant, not of letter but of spirit; for the letter brings death, but the Spirit gives life."

There really is no need to elaborate on this....but. If there was ever any doubt in my heart that God has branded us with love and a call, it should be shattered by these words.
Most of the time i think that the reason we have such a hard time hearing God's calling in our lives is because we give ourselves way too much credit. If we are true followers of Christ, where we go in our lives, and what we are called to do is not simply left up to chance or our own desires. Yes...God goes give us the capacity to choose, and I truly believe that this is a key tool in guidance of our hearts. But...to me some decisions are better left up to His divine judgment, and not to my whims. If we choose what He has already chosen for us, we can move forward wherever he leads us, in confidence and increased faith and charity. And in our attempts to follow His call, it is He who equips us and gives us the strength and courage that we need to follow. So many times i have felt God calling me in a certain direction, and I have doubted that i had the ability. Maybe I myself to not...but if this keeps me from doing what it is that He is asking of me, i am apparently not asking Him for help.

The chapter goes on to say that because Christ has written on our hearts with the spirit, we can have hope, even when the ministry and culture of death seem overwhelming. And here is the part that i needed so much to hear:

"Since, then, we have such a hope, we act with great boldness, not like Moses who put a veil over his face to keep the people of Israel from gazing at the end of the glory that was being set aside. But their minds were hardened...And all of us with unveiled faces seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image..."

Yearning so much for that place in the world that only i can fill, and wanting so much to be on fire because of the word that Christ has written on my heart, i am challenged to live a bold life, because i have hope. We are challenged first to remove the veil from our eyes, and open ourselves to God's glory. God does want to reveal His plans to us, but it means that we have to take a risk in our own lives. We can't just sit around waiting for Him to explain everything to us in one sitting, although sometimes i think that that might be nice. Not only can we open ourselves to God's glory, but we can also open our hearts to the realization that we were made in the image of our God.
Coming to these realizations can only increase the boldness of our hearts. The more we believe in God's generosity and love, the less fear we will have in our lives, and we will be so much more joyful in following wherever God leads, and there will be no room for doubt.